I am facilitating a book study on The Call by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It’s more than just a book study, really. It’s facilitating a change in consciousness for all of us; increasing our ability and willingness to be with what is. Last week we read chapter seven “Going Home” and a question she posed has been rolling around in my consciousness…
“Do you know what it’s like when what you’ve wanted forever is right here in your hand, when the thing you thought was impossible happens? It’s hard to believe, sometimes difficult to receive.” (p. 106)
Yes, I do. I have “forever” been craving a loving, stable relationship, the spaciousness to live a consciously embodied life, and a private practice that supported me financially and others in living awake. Today, as I am experiencing all of these, I notice the question that arises more often than I would like is “Now what?”
Now I notice the unfamiliarity of slowing down, having enough, and experiencing the fullness of life without self-created drama. I wander around my house many days knowing that the answer to “Now what?” is only a few deep breaths away. If I get centered in myself, I will know what to do next, or more often, I will know what to feel next.
Yet often, I resist this knowing and simply keep doing or sitting or staring into space, resisting the unfamiliar experience of contentment, satisfaction and love in my daily life.
Yesterday, my partner Jake was patching the concrete on our back porch. This has been an ongoing project, each day he tries another solution to keep the ants from invading and the concrete from developing micro-cracks that allow them to invade. I have been witnessing him apply cement patches for over a week now, patiently putting on his work clothes, heavy rubber knee pads, a breathing mask, rubber gloves, and a floppy hat.
Most days, I wonder, “What drives him to be so careful with himself, the ants, and the concrete?” with a slight tone of judgment I don’t want to acknowledge.
Yesterday, however, was different. When I looked out the window in the kitchen door and saw him on his hands and knees spreading expandable caulk for concrete in his other-worldly get-up, I felt warmth in my heart and tears came to my eyes. I could actually feel my being loving him.
Writing about it today, I notice those visceral feelings of love returning along with tears of sadness and regret that judgment persists and I didn’t stay with the experience of being free of that judgment. Instead, I moved away from the unfamiliar and continued getting ready to go out.
I imagine this process of truly receiving that which I have been longing for – and recently co-created with Spirit – will continue to unfold over the next few months. I hope I continue to release resistance to feeling the contentment, love and joy that is just under the surface; one moment at a time. And I know acknowledging and taking responsibility for my judgments is one of the pathways to fully receiving the abundance currently in my life.
Some questions for you to ponder…
- What judgments are alive in you that could use some attention?
- In what areas of your life are you integrating new ways of being?
- How do you make space for contentment and joy in your daily life?